Saturday, March 16, 2013

Pregnancy, Parenting, and Facebook: A Social Nightmare

Facebook drives me kinda nuts, as folks on this blog might know. Especially lately; it's been a place for folks to contact me with their opinions on the baby and I cannot believe what passes for appropriate topics on that site. Everything is on the table, and I get overwhelmed sometimes. This afternoon was one of the those times, and I wrote a general response to try and deter anyone from thinking I wanted to discuss personal stuff about the baby on the Internet. It seemed to strike a humorous chord with folks, so I thought I'd share it here for my like minded "Facebook is the worst" friends. It read:

I woke up to an article about circumcision from one well-intentioned friend, and an article about vaccines from another this morning (and was approached by a woman while I got dinner last night about vaccinations). This has become a trend in my inbox the past two weeks, as many people seem to be trying to get in their last bit of "Have you considered...." before the baby is born. I've just answered both messages, and now I'm going to do a general, "Hey everyone--" before I'm dealing with this another 4 weeks:

At 9 months and full of hormones, I have to try and put this gently: I know it's 2013 and the world is fighting tooth and nail to break down every barrier of privacy we have left, but some decisions are still private. This is the 3-4th time I have had to tell rational, reasonable, good people that I am not going to discuss what we plan to do to our son's genitals over Facebook threads/messages. It is not those people's faults at all, it's definitely Facebook and its push to share more and more and more articles/photos/opinions, like some monster Dr. Seuss would warn us about if only he were still with us.

The circumcision thing gets to me a little, only because it keeps coming up on Facebook...and no where else. I'm not about to hold my kid up and be like, "YO, CHECK OUT WHAT WE HAVE DECIDED FOR THIS NEW PERSON'S JUNK! CLICK LIKE." because he is a person, and I'm not going to talk about his private, personal matters like he is a cat to neuter or a house to paint.

Also, no one has said ONE WORD to my husband about either subject. How about when a woman is pregnant, everyone approach the guy, ANYTHING. Circumcision? Please refer to the penis of the duo. Vaccination? Maybe Dad has an opinion. Maybe Mom is really sick of everyone in the world suddenly popping up to be like, "I NOTICED YOU WERE PREGNANT. I HAVE AN OPINION ON THIS CHANGE IN YOUR PHYSICAL APPEARANCE." I don't enjoy unsolicited advice when my hair is dyed a strange color either, but a pregnant belly seems to be the ultimate body modification. It brings people of all walks of life together to tell you how to live yours. 

Only if you're the woman of the parents. If you're a man standing beside your pregnant belly, it's cigars all around and pats on the back. If you're a woman strapped in behind your pregnant belly, it's constant guilt trips and cautions not to destroy the baby's life forever by not circumcising/circumcising, not vaccinating/vaccinating their future. (By some folks who I am sure count themselves as liberals, yet still see a woman as the sole caregiver of a child created by two people. Just saying. Maybe Mommy would like to tune out lectures too. Won't you give her the chance?).

And that's what it's like to be pregnant! Since no one asked, I figure I'd share for everyone who may be thinking about sending me anything *I* didn't ask for. 

Especially you, well meaning people. Good people; the sweethearts and those who are concerned. I know you're trying to help, I know you care about this little person's fate too. I know you think I've spent the last 9 months wandering aimlessly, crying into my hands, grasping strangers by the collar and pleading, "What is a baby? If only there were books, magazines, studies, data, classes, doctors, midwives, nurses, or the Internet! OH NO THEY GAVE ME A BAG OF FLOUR TO PRACTICE WITH AND I LEFT IT OUT IN THE RAIN, PLEASE TAKE MY BABY. SAVE ITS LIFE BEFORE I DESTROY IT WITH MY WILLFUL IGNORANCE OF SCIENCE---"

The only thing I can tell you with certainty is I will raise my son to overthrow all social media and burn down the Internet so one day its people will know peace again. He will be a glorious leader, and the masses will bow down to him. And when they ask him, "How will we share the news of this great victory, when Facebook and Twitter lay in ruins at our feet?" He will look over the crowd and his words will echo; "Keep it to yourselves." And his mother will weep with pride. And whatever we decided to do to his dick, it won't matter in that moment, because mankind will finally be free again.

1 comment:

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