Saturday, November 26, 2011

The Whopper Solution

Months ago, I posted about the fact that I've never had a Big Mac, a Whopper, or a beer.

While I'm content to never have a beer, I promised myself before I turned 30 I was going to try a Big Mac and a Whopper. And since June I have been giving it my best shot.

I turn 30 on Monday and with two days to go, I've come to a decision that may surprise some. And that decision can be explained simply:


Or it can be explained more fully.

1. Every time I've gone to McDonald's or Burger King since June, I've thought about it. I've tested myself. "Is this the day? Is this the meal?" And every time, a chorus of little burgers sang Muppet-food-puppet-style "Nobody But Me" by Human Beinz. And we all danced, I high fived them, and then I ate them. I love the little, simple (okay, kids meal) hamburgers in the fast food world. Each time I did not want to skip them for their monster counterparts. Complete with onions and fangs.

2. Whenever I told someone "I've never had a Big Mac or a Whopper" they responded with, "Wow, really? Eh, actually, you're not missing much." So I began to examine the reasons why I wanted to try a Big Mac and a Whopper, and really it came down to 'everyone else does it', and that's never a good reason to try anything. I was about to take a special, quirky fact about myself and burn it over something that was beginning to not even sound worth it. How would I ever shine during ice breaker introductions again?

During every "two truths and a lie" I write, "I've never had a beer. I've never had a Big Mac. I've never seen Star Wars." Nothing breaks the ice quite like showing an entire room of strangers what a weird nerd you are.

3. And all whimsy, philosophy, and arguments for staying a unique snowflake aside, this is the real reason: I hate creamy sauces. They are way totally icky. I can handle a dab of ketchup, a swipe of mustard, and that's about it. I cannot stand mayo, I dislike thousand island dressing. I'll have thousand island on a reuben, but that's it. Mayo, forget it. It's the worst. The texture, the smell, the taste, everything about mayo grosses me out.

Even in my post back in June I wrote, "I don't know, it looks like they have so much sauce." Ultimately, I think its what held me back. Sure, I could order it without the sauce, but why bother at that point? Might as well hold the cheese too and just make it a tiny hamburger. I could be a grown up and eat it with the sauce, however, as a grown up haven't I earned the right to eat whatever I want however I want? Am I really going to stop eating ice cream for dinner now?

The Whopper stars never aligned. I never woke up and thought, "Today's the day!" I never drove through a McDonalds and thought, "This is it!" That magic moment never came, and who am I to force it? We shouldn't change things about ourselves just because a milestone approaches. Maybe that's the lesson. Sure, when I have kids it'll be a little awkward to explain why we're both getting Happy Meals, but I'd rather say, "Because when you're a grown up you can choose your own adventure," instead of, "When you're a grown up you can never have a Happy Meal again."

"Also you'll have to write in cursive. JK! No one writes in cursive, it's a dead language."

Not that I get a Happy Meal now, because I like to have a large fries. Fries are delicious. However, when I have kids I probably will get Happy Meals, because of two words: Extra Toys.

I still might have a Big Mac or a Whopper some day, if the fancy strikes me. When the day is right.

(But probably not).


  1. I totally understand your decision not to push yourself into trying something you aren't that interested in. You definitely aren't missing much by skipping the Big Mac. However,I feel that I must say something in defense of the Whopper.

    See, the Burger King Whopper is pretty delicious. I'm a mayo fan, so I opt-in on that, but even without the mayonnaise the Whopper stands out. The meat to vegetable ratio makes for a really nice combination of textures and flavors, not to mention how perfectly the onions on a Whopper bring out that delicious, flame-broiled goodness.

    I'm actually considering making a long drive to Burger King right now, because I just made myself hungry.

  2. The Whopper is gaining a campaign between here and Facebook, and many have come forward to defend its deliciousness in an effort I can only describe as heart warming. It's like the end of a movie, where the Whopper didn't think anyone believed in it, and then someone in the back row begins a slow clap, and soon everyone in the room is standing and applauding and the Whopper is crying.

    So,...I may be giving the Whopper a second chance. Because nothing moves me to do something everyone else is doing quite like peer pressure...And enticement of its deliciousness sans mayo.

  3. Haven't had one in years - of either variety, but did enjoy them when I was in the habit. We now no longer live near any outlet, so there's no temptation! However, have always preferred my own home-made burgers - these were always an emergency option if time did not allow one to prepare the homemade versions!


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